Today we have a question from one of our audience members who is asking for help to overcome some significant mental barriers around her husband’s sexual history.
Hi, I have a question.
I got married just recently and much later in life…around 40 years old. I was a virgin when I got married. My husband was not. However he shared with me that he had not had any sexual partners for at least three years prior to our being married, because of his renewed commitment to Christ.
I’ve been a Christian since I was a youth and my husband had also been a Christian since he was a child however he was not sexually abstinent in his relationships.
We did not have sex prior to getting married. Since we have been married we have had a great sex life, but I have struggled with the fact that he’s had previous sexual partners.
My question is how can I best deal with my husband’s previous sexual history and not let it interfere with our sexual relationship now. Of course, this is a vulnerable issue for me since I came into the marriage without sexual experience… So I get feelings of insecurity…wondering if he is comparing us to other relationships…etc. These thoughts can be intrusive for me.
Now, today I had a bomb dropped on me when I got the results of a recent Pap smear saying I tested positive for HPV. It’s very upsetting to find out that after being abstinent all these years and waiting for my husband to have sex; that he gave me a STD that could cause cervical cancer. The strain I have is the dangerous strain and will require more testing.
I’ve already been struggling with feelings over his sexual past and now it’s intensified a thousand fold as a result of contracting this STD from him. I feel like this is definitely going to affect my feelings toward him and toward sexual intimacy with him.
He was tested for std’s before our marriage but there is not a test for men for HPV, so in his defense he could not have known he had been exposed unless his previous girlfriend knew and told him.
I’m hoping and praying that my immune system will fight off this virus and I will be okay, but unfortunately I’ve had previous health problems that have weakened my immune system so I’m really upset and stressed that I may end up not fighting it off.
I’m just disappointed, sad, upset and hurt that I have to deal with an STD after waiting all this time to have sex with one man in my life…. My husband.
I’m sure this is going to cause me anger and resentment for his choices and not being abstinent as a Christian man who proclaims Christ.
I really have to say, at the risk of sounding judgmental…. That I am so tired of Bible believing Christians completely ignoring the word of God when it comes to sexual integrity! Why is it that people just wink at this sin like it’s no big deal ??? People that I see at church every week that are living with their boyfriends and girlfriends that are having sex and acting as though it’s not a sin. I don’t understand it’s very frustrating!
Christians act as though it’s inconsequential and casual…
Please pray for me that I can be full of grace and forgiveness toward my husband and that we would grow stronger and more in love and that I won’t withdraw from him like I feel like doing at this moment.
The last piece of this puzzle is the question of fidelity?? Has he had sex with someone else during the time we’ve been together and contracted this STD and now passed it to me?? I really, honestly in my heart and soul, mind and spirit are telling me that he is being truthful about his sexual history and hadn’t had sex for 3 years before we met…and that was his previous girlfriend for a couple years. But, my question is…why wouldn’t she had let him know she had HPV. Most women know they have it because of their annual Pap smear. She would have known either back then or since then. They broke up in 2013. And they remained good friends. So wouldn’t a good friend tell you this?? And if it wasn’t her that gave it to him then who did? As he said he’s only slept with a couple girlfriends from about 2009 to 2013.
Sorry for the super long email but it felt good to vent all of that to someone, as I can’t necessarily share this with other people and cause discredit to his character.
I would love to get some feedback from you guys!!!!!
Listen to the Podcast Episode to get Caleb’s breakdown of this and his answers.