This week, we have a question from one of our audience members who wanted clarity on her expectations around side effects of her husband’s testosterone therapy.
“What experience do you have with testosterone therapy for men? I believe part of the cause of my husband’s infidelity is due to much testosterone pellets and an excessive need for sex. I do not excuse him for one minute for the devastation he caused. think If that is going to be an available treatment for a medical condition some kind of information and counseling should be required as to how you will feel.
We are 2-1/2 years past D day finding out of multiple hookups just for sex. We’d been married for 36 years!!! He is 59 and I am 57 right now. I credit my faith in keeping this altogether without telling anyone or counselling. Not a great idea after the fact. He’s moved on from the infidelities and I still struggle at times.
Q2: I guess I’m trying to understand if testosterone can make you impulsive and have the need to have sex in abundance. I feel you should be in control if your self, but if you are on the high end of the testosterone scale 1200-1500 can it change you? I do know hormones are powerful and make you feel all sorts of things.”
This week, Caleb answers a very touching question from Betty*, one of our email subscribers. She asked,
“I responded a few months ago, rather aggressively, may I add, to your husband’s question. And of course, he graciously responded with a question that pierced through my pain and frustration and found my heart. He asked,” Do you still want to be married?” I thought about it for weeks!! Please let him know that we found a local counselor, who is also our pastor, and have been progressing, to say the least. What you two do is so vital in a world that opposes marriage and commitment in general.Thank you! Thank you!
Anyways, to respond to your request, my question would be … ” After infidelity strikes, how do you trust your husband again?” I know it takes time to learn how to trust again, but how do you truly grant yourself the space to be vulnerable in that way? Or … are you bruised for life? Sometimes I feel like I am a shell of who I once was; a child learning to be confident in herself and womanhood, it’s embarrassing.
So glad, this is anonymous! lol . Even if this isn’t broadcasted I’d love your take on this.”
Peggy* wrote in to ask about sexual addiction and its effects on marriage. She writes,
“Verlynda,
First, I think your plans for traveling for a year sounds awesome! What an exciting adventure to undertake. Your family will be in my prayers that you will only experience slight bumps in the road and have a wonderful family bonding time!
I love the podcasts and feel so lucky to have found you. I think the first one I listened to was something on infidelity.
I’m wondering if you might consider doing a podcast on sexual addiction. While the effects on a marriage are similar to infidelity there’s a deeper undercurrent with it. I knew there was something off in our relationship and questioned if my husband was having an affair, he always answered “no,” so I just thought he was a workaholic along with the impact of binge drinking. Finally, in the depths of his addiction he began receiving texts messages and phone calls that tipped me off.
Sexual addiction has a broad range of activities from porn and beyond. My husband’s issue started with pornographic magazines back in the 70’s and escalated to going to bars for lap dances. It basically followed the invasive changes that sexual addictions has taken in our society and how accepted it has become. The attitude of” boys will be boys” doesn’t help but speaks to the maturity level of some men in the American culture. He was taken with being desired by other women and became infatuated with several but insists he never loved them only me. I still deal with the hurt and pain that he could break our marriage vows and the years of deceit and lying. I really don’t feel I was acting co-dependently in this because I was asking if something was wrong and we consulted several marriage counselors over the years. He admits he wasn’t honest with them also.
I have listened to many podcasts and YouTube’s on this topic. I feel that Marsha Means and Barbara Steffens approach to looking at the PTSD or PISD (post infidelity stress disorder) it causes for the spouse has truly helped me. Plus I accept that this addiction is rooted in an intimacy disorder. Many “experts” support divorce but I chose not to take that path because of my religious beliefs. So I was wondering if you might look at the issues of sexual addictions from a perspective of staying in the marriage.
Thanks so much, Peggy*
PS I have to admit I love both of your laughs! Keep up the great work!
Today we have a question from one of our audience members who is asking for help to overcome some significant mental barriers around her husband’s sexual history.
“First all, huge thanks for what you are doing. My marriage is still in trouble, and it’s even getting worse and worse. But thanks to your podcasts, I’m more ready to forgive and to accept my wife after her infidelity disclosure.
The question is as follows. How do I fight for my marriage and my family (there are children) and my wife while she’s undecided to stay or to leave as she feels in love with her affair mate?
She’s saying she can’t imagine to be my wife anymore while she can’t imagine losing me as a father of our children and part of the family. In other words, she wants to do life together, but not as husband and wife…”
Listen to the podcast episode to see what Caleb had to say to Jason.
My wife and I started dating, got married the next year, had our first child a year later, and then our second child the following year. Around the same time as our second child was born, an ex-girlfriend texted me.
Conversations started as just “Hey, how’s life?” but quickly escalated to sexting as we used to do when we dated. Right before I could tell my wife, she saw the texts and got very upset. I had already ended communications with this girl and just couldn’t strike up the nerve to tell my wife what I had done.
Fast forward a couple months and we had been through about a month of counselling session. Things were getting better between us and then I had to go on a business trip. I had a few friends I had planned on meeting with while there, but there was one in particular my wife was not comfortable with me talking to. So I told her I wouldn’t meet with that friend, but I lied. She later found out and again had to start mending our relationship.
Things have been going pretty well, except now I have a week long business trip coming up and she keeps bringing up the past issues. I know what I’ve done and how I’ve messed up, but she keeps bringing it up. I ask her not to because it still hurts so bad, but she does anyways. What can I do in this next month or so in order to help build her trust again and help her to stop bringing up my past mistakes?
Listen to the podcast episode for Caleb’s answer!
*Name has been changed for confidentiality reasons
The common perception is that you can be super busy OR happily married. What we wanted to know is if you could be super busy AND happily married. Do you need to change your lifestyles, or are you good to go? No pressure!
If your marriage is sexless, there is a way back to rekindling intimacy. It’s not easy, but it might not be as impossible as you think, either! We’ll help you understand some potential causes and then give you some direction to start point your marriage relationship back towards the wonder and joy of sex.
We know for some of you, this episode is going to be a tough one. We’re going to speak the truth in love because we’re committed to integrity, but at the same time we want to give you hope because this IS hope, and recovery of your marriage IS possible.
If you’re some creepy dude reading this to try to extract more pleasure from your wife – go away. This is not about exploitation.
But, if you’re a husband or wife who wants more physical intimacy, and you’re committed to the growth and overall health of your marriage, then you’re in the right spot. This is more about what what you’re not giving than what you’re not getting! Continue reading
